The deep end of the pool

Man oh man. What have I gotten myself into?
My friend Ranya figured out that I have a blog and prompted me to kind of change the tune here a little bit. Yeah, you guessed it, I'm going to write about my FEELINGS.

But how to start?! If you've read my art page, which I don't assume you have, you will know that my thoughts are probably the weirdest, most convoluted thing ever. (although I'm not going to claim that crown. Who knows, maybe somebody can top me out there. Yes. that's a challenge) I don't know. For the longest time now I've kept a journal. And one of the things I found was that at times I was afraid to write down things even in my journal. I mean, a journal is just about as private as it gets right? So what does it mean if you can't put something down in words in something that might as well be your outsourced brain?! It means you're ashamed of your own thoughts in front of yourself. I mean come on. How dumb is that? It's like having to wear clothes in the shower because you think it's wrong to see yourself naked. (I realize that's a weird example)

Anyway, I started forcing myself to write down what I really thought. I started to really try and write down the honest truth. Because I don't have to prove anything to myself. I know who I am and I know my faults and fears. I don't have to hide that from myself. I think what I was afraid of was that I would go back and be weirded out by who I used to be. But isn't that always a possibility? I think it's worse to try and keep up appearances with yourself. But we all do it, don't we? We try to convince ourselves that we are who we aren't. It's hard not to lie to yourself. But it's important. Because it you admit the truth you're already on your way to become something you don't have to deny, not to yourself or to anybody. This will be the only time that I'm going to refer you to the alcoholics for advice, but the first step to improving is to admit there's something wrong, right? Right. Thank you AA for that bit.