It feels like this is happening in tree time

Do you ever feel like the future is just too far away?
I'm sick of waiting for something to happen.
The whole application process is quite draining to me.
It's like you're waiting on heaven's door, waiting for some random person who doesn't even know you to decide whether or not you may enter. For some reason that's quite daunting....
And, yeah, I guess I'm impatient. I just want to start working and doing something meaningful. I'm doing my best not to waste my life, but sometimes it just seems like it's out of my control. I hate that things just don't happen by themselves - that in order to get to anything I love in this world I have to jump some sort of barrier. I guess you have to prove that you want it enough.

Why can't just wanting something enough be enough?

Poetry

In your light I learn how to love
in your beauty, how to make poems,
you dance in my chest
where noone sees you,
but sometimes I do
and that sight becomes this art

by Rumi

Even if you blocked me from facebook... -__-

The deep end of the pool

Man oh man. What have I gotten myself into?
My friend Ranya figured out that I have a blog and prompted me to kind of change the tune here a little bit. Yeah, you guessed it, I'm going to write about my FEELINGS.

But how to start?! If you've read my art page, which I don't assume you have, you will know that my thoughts are probably the weirdest, most convoluted thing ever. (although I'm not going to claim that crown. Who knows, maybe somebody can top me out there. Yes. that's a challenge) I don't know. For the longest time now I've kept a journal. And one of the things I found was that at times I was afraid to write down things even in my journal. I mean, a journal is just about as private as it gets right? So what does it mean if you can't put something down in words in something that might as well be your outsourced brain?! It means you're ashamed of your own thoughts in front of yourself. I mean come on. How dumb is that? It's like having to wear clothes in the shower because you think it's wrong to see yourself naked. (I realize that's a weird example)

Anyway, I started forcing myself to write down what I really thought. I started to really try and write down the honest truth. Because I don't have to prove anything to myself. I know who I am and I know my faults and fears. I don't have to hide that from myself. I think what I was afraid of was that I would go back and be weirded out by who I used to be. But isn't that always a possibility? I think it's worse to try and keep up appearances with yourself. But we all do it, don't we? We try to convince ourselves that we are who we aren't. It's hard not to lie to yourself. But it's important. Because it you admit the truth you're already on your way to become something you don't have to deny, not to yourself or to anybody. This will be the only time that I'm going to refer you to the alcoholics for advice, but the first step to improving is to admit there's something wrong, right? Right. Thank you AA for that bit.

Getting more complicated

I'm currently in the process of adding pages to my blog and I've started with a portfolio of my student work, which you can view under "student work"... go figure...



I couldn't control myself, because I was taught to elaborately explain everything I do in art, so all of it is accompanied by descriptions of my thought process.
I will add some sort of link to a simpler compilation of the images eventually, but right now you just have to ignore the writing, if you're looking to just see the images. Of course I encourage you to read what I wrote, as everything will make more sense that way ( or less?! it's a bit Memento style... as in the movie... and if that didn't give you a headache I don't know what will...)


Pages for animations and musical creations of mine will be added soon as well...

This may just be the happiest thing ever

It's up there anyway :)
Tah Geggy - Whoever you are

Thought-trash aka in defense of our modern culture!

I've been reading "Denkanstöße 2011" which is a German collection of essays about Politics, Philosophy, Culture and Science meant to convey the state that we're all in now, in 2010. The title can be loosely translated to "Stuff we should all think about going into 2011" (yeah, I know, I just made a 2 word title a 9 word title).

A lot of it is bullshit. I've read almost all of the essays and a few of them I didn't finish because I got so MAD at what they were saying. (sorry, if you just realized this will become an angry rant - I congratulate you and won't be offended if you leave to go do something more positive)

I was especially intrigued by the Philosophy component of this book. I'm a big philosophy nut, but I do have principles. For one thing, you can't turn Philosophy into religion. It's not the same thing !
Scrambling the two by hypothesizing that the philosophical and emotional changes in culture due to the information flood that's been tsunami-ing our world are somehow evidence for an emotionally detached society in need of religious salvation makes me ANGRY.
Clearly these people have never been on the internet.
I mean yeah, it's a scary place, but it's also made something like community possible for millions of people out there.
I'm talking loners, yeah. And do you want to know WHY they were loners before the internet? Because there was noone around who shared their interests.
The world is annoyingly large and the likelihood of being near someone who's like you is probably around, you guessed it, -30.903284092384% .

Can we pleeeease not turn this into a religious issue?
I mean I get that all those religious people are upset because less and less people are turning to them for guidance, but puh-leaze!!! Leave the kids alone!
This essay actually suggests that the increased quest for knowledge evident in our modern society has turned us into heartless monsters who lacked spiritual guidance in our childhood (*cough church cough*) I'm serious.
They didn't use the word monster, but I'm positive they were thinking it.

Instead of badmouthing our newfound sources of endless information, can we please remember that the internet has brought us all closer together.
Just look at me, happily typing away into the black hole of cyberspace!
What's so bad about the internet? What's so bad about knowing about science and math? Knowing more about these things doesn't make us less inclined to be nice to each other! Only because modern people know how to use computers and phones doesn't mean they had to cut out and sacrifice the piece of their heart/brain/soul that conjures up shiny, magical looove and empathy.

In fact I think it's added to our understanding of what these things are!
People who don't feel at home in there actual home can turn to the internet and find love and compassion there! The internet has made it possible for us to expose ourselves to a ton of horrible and dreadfully sinful things, but it's also made it possible to find examples of kindness and charity that might not be present in an everyday community.
Religion isn't the only way to develop a moral compass. By learning about the things that make our world work (which you know... kind of mostly are sciency things) we have become more responsible about living on this planet. The green movement is huuuugely internet based. Alternative shops that wouldn't be able to reach a broad audience can now cater to all the crazies out there over the web.
I'm sorry, dear secretly-church-funded scholarly neutral essay, but I have as of yet to find something as mindbogglingly awesome as the internet.

Now, to finish my rant, I would like to inform Mr. Robert Rowland Smith, the author of "In bed with Kant or the feeling of nothing in the early morning" that even if I woke up with Karl Marx, Thomas Hobbes or Emanuel Kant by my bedside, they probably wouldn't give a shit how I have my cereal and even less about the fact that I don't learn in a very loving way.

I was looking to be blown away by this book TED-Talk style but what I got was a massive waft of fecal matter fluttering my way. I think people who have lost all connections to modern life (/never had any) should not be allowed to write about it.

Doodles = Fine Art in my humble opinion

Although I'm not sure you could call THIS: a doodle.
I wish I could give credit to whoever drew it, but I stole it from my friend Kyle's facebook page. I'm not sure if he drew it or somebody else did, but whoever you are... I am in awe of you. 0_0 * respect *
I'm still hunting for ideas for an art piece in my new room and thus found the beautiful drawing above. (Yes, I conduct research in my artsy fb friend's albums - don't tell me you don't, because I shall believe you... )I LOVE the color blue and just the idea of having maybe a series of sketches in the same (above) style makes me a tad excessively excited.
I'm also currently working on a short to accompany one of my piano improvs. (I'll post some sort of link to the music if I can figure out how) You'll see it once it's done :)

Me and time have always had a difficult relationship.
I've always found that the way I'm supposed to spend my time and the way I want to spend it are 2 conflicting things.
It's gotten to the point where even if I want to do something, I'm reluctant to get it done because I'm also supposed to. How wacko is that?

Looking back on years of battling with chronic procrastination I now have strategies to avoid the worst of my antics, but I sure wish I'd figured all this out earlier. There's nothing like looking back and thinking: "Hey maybe I should have written that speech instead of rewatching the first season of Stargate SG1... Maybe I should have done Math instead of sitting in a cafe for hours and reading some trash magazine." But to this day I can't quite say I regret doing these things...even if I know I should :)

I just think it's one of the of the most important lessons I've ever learned, that time is valuable and to do things you love is just as important as doing things that are vital to getting your life ahead. There has to be a balance I guess... Also, who knows, I might just end up liking whatever I rejected for some dumb reason initially.

Judge a book by its cover?!

I'm an avid reader of all kinds of books - old, new, long, short, I'll read it all. They're like a little package full of hours and hours of joy.
I feel that especially about old, well-read books. Not only are the two-color print designs on the covers simply gorgeous, but each scuff mark or grease stain on a page becomes a new reminder of all the people who read it before you.
My parents have quite a collection of vintage books that I love to sift through when I'm at their place. I'm just never going to get used to this kindle/iPad/e-book era we live in...